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Guilt
Those in the five to eight group are likely to react with guilt and/or
fear, for while they understand that death is irreversible they are unable
to comprehend the reasoning or rather the absence of one, as also their
reaction to it.
Frustration
In
the case of children eight years and older, they will react like the
adults do for their understanding of the situation is better. They will
have bouts of extreme grief and anger against all that is abstract in
their little world. They will also experience a sense of frustration for
the same reason and over the fact that they are as helpless as the adults
are in doing anything about it.
Escapism
Like
adults, children too will find routes of escapism by denying it ever
happened. The denial can
manifest itself in many forms, including talking about the dead person as
if he or she has gone out and is expected back any moment. Some others
carry guilt about either still being alive or by imagining themselves as
having been in some way responsible for the death. This gives them a
“concreteness” to the incomprehensible feelings, a feeling that there
is someone traceable for the cause.
A
third method of apparently continuing with life again is by remaining
angry with the dead person, holding him responsible for the agony that the
living persons are left to grapple with.
Some physical
manifestations
Fear of death happening to a close relative or friend is yet another
common reaction. Children will often cling to the living relatives. Some
of them experience physical symptoms like fever, stomach-ache, headache,
nightmares, loss of appetite (or sudden unhealthy increase of appetite)
etc.
Loss
of a pet
Death of a pet too can affect children in an almost identical fashion. In
fact, the death of a pet could affect children in a worse manner, because
they identify with the pet – its antics, its inability to express itself
explicitly and so on.
Helping
children cope
When there has been a death in the family, the tricky issue becomes –
How much of truth should be revealed to children? It becomes particularly
difficult if the death has been that of a parent, grandparent, or God
forbid, another child.
It
still echoes in my mind, the bewilderment, stark, unspoken fear of a
seven-year-old, when his three-day-old cousin died, “Can children also
die? Can I also die?” What can one say in such a situation? All I could
do was tell him that it was very very rare that children died and that it
did not happen frequently. I was myself a groping teenager then but gut
instinct saved the situation and somehow I seemed to have convinced the
boy then, although he clung to me for several days after that, as if
wanting a concrete proof about my statement. Waking up in the middle of
the night, he would put his hand to my nostril to check if I was
breathing. He first wanted proof that I wouldn’t die.
Be generous with
reassurance:
Death
confuses and frightens a child no less than it does an adult. One could
reveal a little bit about the truth of the person or the pet never
returning, (the extent of the truth being dependent on the age of the
child), while all the time reassuring him or her about how normal life
will soon return. We can talk to the child about the inner strength that
has been bestowed by the all-knowing power to each individual, in simple,
easy to understand language.
Help
erase guilt:
Secondly, it is very important to help remove any traces of guilt in the
child about continuing to live or about having caused in some way the
beloved one’s death. If it is an illness that has caused the death, we
could tell the child that it was God’s way of relieving the person of
his pain and suffering and that the child has not caused anything to
happen. We can also tell the child about there being a purpose in living,
again, of course, using words that he can comprehend.
Be
available for the child:
Physically
Children will also demand more physical attention. Give it to them. All
they are looking for is reassurance and love. A child can never can enough
of reassurance in such a situation. Remember they are as afraid and unsure
as you are. Help them to return slowly to normal life, the earlier begun
the better.
Fever,
nausea, headaches, stomach-ache and nightmares are all manifestations of
the unspoken fear and confusion. When they last for a prolonged period, do
not hesitate to take professional help in getting the child to come to
terms. With the help of the family physician, seek the advice of a
psychologist or a counselor. It is not wrong or taboo. Remember it is the
future of the child that is at stake. Any suppressed fear, guilt or anger
could manifest negatively in his or her adult life.
Emotionally
too
Lastly,
do not laugh or pooh-pooh his feelings. If he wants to talk about it, let
him; you could gradually veer him and bring him round. Laughing at his
seemingly unfounded fears will only serve to add to his confusion and
compound his feelings of fear, self-insufficiency and guilt. When a child
wants to express his feelings, allow him to; this could well be an
opportunity for you to build a strong emotional bond with him.
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