Symptoms of stress show in a child’s behavior; such as reverting to thumb sucking, or fits of uncontrolled anger, tantrums or a regression of toilet behavior. Some children also have nightmares. Observe them for a pattern or some giveaway. Some children may have problems with speech, such as slurred speech or stammering. Some others may become accident-prone.

Is your child losing its lightness? It must be stressed. Symptoms of stress in various age groups are:

Age below four (or pre-schoolers) - Uncontrollable crying, trembling with fear, irritability, anxiety, eating or sleep problems, fear of being alone, withdrawal, sensitivity to sudden or loud noises, nightmares or becoming accident prone.

School going age – Recalcitrant, aggression, nightmares, loss of concentration, poor academic performance, headaches, stomach-ache, loss of appetite, frequent urination and poor sleep.

Pre-teenagers and teenagers – Long periods of sulking or anger, lack of self-esteem and a feeling of general distrust is an indication of stress during adolescence. There could be extreme behavioral swings, like obliging all for a while and then slipping into a phase of rebellion. In extreme cases, they may resort to drugs, smoking, drinks or may bunk school or college. Watch out for suicidal tendencies if the depression is severe.

The symptoms outlined here is not common to all children. Depending upon the growth of the child, physically and mentally and his/her innate ability to cope, symptoms may differ. These may be temporary problems, but there is no denying the fact that a child needs help to overcome such insecurities and fears.

Common stressors
Some commonly occurring stressors include changes and challenges in school. Peer pressure is a common stress inducer. “My partner bought a pen from Mumbai with multicolored writing points. I must have it. All my friends are getting one from Mumbai.” Or worse, a teen may tell its parents, “Tifany has a BMW, Jerilyn has a Chevrolet and Luci has a Mercedes Benz. We have only a Fiat. They are laughing at me. They are not including me in their group. They are asking me if you people spend money at all. Why are you both earning?”

Whatever the case may be, whether you can or cannot afford it or if you have your principles, the child has to learn to accept and cope with its family environment. With due support, they will learn to handle such situations.

Another stressor is comparison of academic performance, achievements in sports or arts. Such pressure may be exerted by parents, friends or neighbors. Often, parents initiate children into the game of performance comparison.

Comparison is healthy to a certain extent. Beyond that, it causes tremendous stress in children. I know a parent who asked her child to copy the marks of the first ranker in class, because her child, who always stood first in class, secured the second place. First of all, the girl was too embarrassed to ask her friend’s mark sheet to copy it. This led to the girl learning the marks by heart so that she could write it down later, without her friend’s knowledge. She also manipulated her friend’s marks so that she would not look too bad in comparison. She was extremely stressed because she had “lied” about her friend’s marks. The girl also started discussing how parents in foreign countries were not allowed to hit their children by law, and that if her parents hit her she would approach the police for action as well though she is in India. All that the parent needed to do was to accept the result and ensure the child performed better next time. It’s a very fine line, the one between spurring a child to perform better through comparison and pushing her to the other side where there are feelings of rejection, anger, frustration etc.

Stress in the case of children means feeling unloved, insufficient and incapable. They may also become pathologically suspicious. This would make them withdraw from society to find solace in loneliness because there are no expectations to meet when one is alone. Since children are not capable of weighing options or finding solutions, adults must help them cope up by loving them. This will also enhance their self-confidence and inspire trust.

The healing touch
The child must develop a close healthy relationship with the mother or the father, or a close relative. It should be encouraged to socialize.

Encourage the child to play ‘problem solving’ games, like chess, jigsaw, Rubik’s cube, scrabble, Lego etc. It will also improve concentration and build self-confidence. Genuine encouragement will make a child fuller and independent. Hobbies and related activities will also enhance a child’s personality.

Family support also means showing that you care and making a child feel loved and wanted. Help him/her set goals by spelling out expectations. Take care not to be rigid about expectations.

If family members are sensitive to cultural beliefs and religious commitments, the children will automatically be the same.

Telling a child stories of resilient children who overcame odds and emerged successful are great ways to instill ideal qualities in a child. There are plenty of fairy tales and other stories that you can narrate.

Adults must anticipate what stresses children and avoid such situations or be ready with help and support, if the stressor cannot be avoided.

Many parents tend to think a little bit of praise will spoil children, which is untrue. Given at the right time and in right doses, they could go a long way in building self-worth. Right dose simply means not being hyperbolic.

Whenever an opportunity arises, explain an action and its consequences and allow the child to make its choice.

Allow the child to participate in family discussions and let her have her say on things like deciding the color of the curtains or wall paint. Similarly, allow it to make decisions like how its room should be arranged. This will instill a sense of achievement. Give it challenges and tasks that it can cope with and complete.

If death or divorce has been the cause of stress, explain to the child that he or she was not responsible for it. Very often children find escape by blaming themselves for an unpleasant event.

Encourage the child to express its feelings. For this, they should first be helped to identify their feelings. Before this, comes the act of letting the children know that being angry or hurt is not wrong. That it is not okay to carry it for too long or vent it vindictively. Occasional family meetings for a free and comfortable talk could do wonders for your child.

School going children may be encouraged to write down their feelings. The act of writing is cathartic. It also helps get things in perspective and think clearly.

Be proactive and have plenty of play-time. Activities where children can express their feelings, like acting, drawing, clay modeling etc., can also bust stress.

Use positive language when speaking to a child. Rather than saying, “You can’t dance, your feet are weak,” you could tell her, “How about drawing. You seem to be very good at sketching. I love your choice of colors. Even your class teacher told me you are good in it.”

Handling stress doesn’t always call for the service of a psychiatrist. However, if symptoms persist, medical help may be required. It is no longer considered taboo to consult a psychologist or a psychiatrist. However, before we reach for the telephone, let’s remember that parents have a lot to do.