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A frequent dilemma that adoptive parents encounter is - To say or
not to say. Whether or not to reveal the truth to the child. To the
neighbors. While the issue remains rather a private or personal
one, I am of the opinion that an adopted child must grow up knowing
the fact as naturally as she grows up knowing about the trees and
nature.
There are several reasons I subscribe to this opinion. Let's take it
at the practical level first. Every child has his or her share of
fever, cold, fits, allergies and all kinds of medical problems.
There is a high likelihood of the doctor asking if there's anyone in
the family with the same problem. What do we tell him? How long can
we evade the issue or tell one parent to take the child out. The
child will catch on and is bound to throw a tantrum some day,
wanting to stay and listen to the conversation. When the bond has
been established, we as parents need not fear revealing the fact any
more. On the contrary, as we (the child and the parents) grow
closer, we are likely to pay less importance to the absence of any
natural biological link. We'll remember it only when we have to. |
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I have had this experience. My child
developed some breathing problems and the pediatrician asked me if
asthma ran in the family. My instant response was, "Yeah, it runs on
both sides of my family and in my husband's family too." When my
husband laughed loudly, I realized. And I told the doctor that I
didn't know in the child's case. That's how naturally we will adapt
ourselves.
These kind of situations are bound to crop up now and then. We
cannot avoid them totally. Nor can we turn our faces away and hope
they will go away.
Besides, it is also a question of how much the child can continue to
trust you. If I've kept back the most important truth in his or her
life, how will the child trust me? How can I make him understand
that I did it in the best of his interest?
There is always the danger of the child learning from an outside
source. Wouldn't we rather the child learns from us? There is the
possibility of facts being twisted. For nobody but we, the parents,
know the correct facts.
I've been honest with my child, to the extent I need to be. I still
remember the day my child came back from school demanding to know
whether children were born from the heart or from the stomach,
because I'd said that she had been born from my heart. It was one of
the greatest dilemmas I've faced in life up to now. Either I had to
make science a lie or me a liar.
I happened to remember that at her age, she still didn't know liars
and all that. I told her that children were indeed born from the
stomach. She looked straight into my eyes, boring and poring to as
far as she could. Fortunately I could look back into her eyes. That
did it. How do I express in words the facts that were silently
established in those moments? The bond that was concretized in those
moments? The trust that was concretized in those moments?
If there are lessons on reality, truth and trust, they are there in
our experience as adoptive parents. Let's not underestimate the
intelligence, sensitivity and understanding of our children. Being
honest with our children establishes a bond that nothing can break
or shake.
Agreed, there is another side to the issue and the child is likely
to be upset when he or she comprehends the situation. Don't you
think a trauma could be avoided by simply having shared the truth
rather than shattering what she believed was the truth? The child
may be upset. The intensity of the disturbance may vary from child
to child. Nevertheless, a trauma can be avoided. For, deep down, all
that the child is testing is how much you have adapted to the
situation. |
